Apparently you make a good broom.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
