I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
