at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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