I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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