I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
