the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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