I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Vodka?
Forever.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
