we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
