I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
