So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
