i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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