We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
