Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
