She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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