youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Randomize
