maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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