pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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