my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
