i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
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