why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
