you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
