It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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