I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
