wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
