Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
