I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
