I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
