The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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