I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
