garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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