i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
