new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I wish they made helmets for livers.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
