are you still at the devil's house?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
