meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I will die if light touches me.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
