The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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