He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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