Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
