i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
