I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
