party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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