i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
