doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
