I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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