The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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