: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
