I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
