You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
