I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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