Already got asked if we're dating
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
