I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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