Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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