Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
