Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Randomize
