How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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