my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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