is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I think my fart just growled at me.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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