new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
