I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
