i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
