Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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